WASHED AND READY TO EAT


This ephemera should reach you in perfect condition. There's no preparation involved. It's ready for you to enjoy right now. In the unlikely event that you find one of these blog entries in less than perfect condition, please don't hesitate to email Phil Woodford at washedandreadytoeat@philwoodford.com

06.16.06 @ 04:11 PM PDT [link]

Are Piriton barking up the wrong tree?
Have you seen those ads for the Piriton anti-allergy products? They claim that 1,796,000 people in Britain are allergic to trees.

Can this really be true?

412,000 people are supposed to be allergic to gold. And 290,000 folk start sneezing when they encounter windscreen wiper fluid.

You wouldn't want to be a rich person driving through a forest, would you?
06.20.06 @ 04:05 PM PDT [link]

Pringles
Mrs W and I have agreed that they must never, ever come into the house again.

Not even the Paprika ones.

Not even if they do the two-for-the-price-of-one thing at Tesco.


06.20.06 @ 04:01 PM PDT [link]

MBTG and SMS
As you may have seen from my earlier post, I was privileged enough to pick up a copy of The People's Friend last week. In case your newsagent is unable to obtain the publication, I wanted to share an interesting insight from the double-page spread on the Duke of Edinburgh's 85th birthday.

When the Duke feels he has to attend an event out of duty, he apparently marks it in his diary as MBTG or "Morally bound to go". Nice touch.

It reminds me of the notation used by doctors to describe their patients. NFN is Normal for Norfolk. PFO is pissed, fell over etc. The abbreviations are almost like SMS language imho.

I'm now imagining a text correspondence between the Queen and Prince Philip:

HER MAJ: where is one at the mo?
PHILIP: at da memorial servis innit mbtg lol
06.16.06 @ 04:34 PM PDT [link]

Tell your newsagent to reserve People's Friend


I was browsing through the latest edition of The People's Friend and spotted - between the ads for Daxon lightweight summer sandals and Heather Valley Comfort Stretch Waist Trousers - this rather quaint coupon. I seem to remember things like this from my childhood, where you'd fill out a form, asking your newsagent to reserve something for you. In my case, it was probably a comic about the Second World War.

Well, anyway, it's still going on. The coupon business that is. Not the Second World War. (Unless you're a renegade Japanese soldier in a very distant part of the jungle.) But I digress. Here's the proposition:

If you currently purchase "The People's Friend" from a newsagent, from time to time you may experience difficulties in obtaining a copy. To avoid this, and to guarantee you receive each issue, just ask your newsagent to place a regular order for you. Once set up, your copy of the "Friend" will be held for you to collect, saving you having to search the shelves.

A pitiful image is now running through my mind of an old age pensioner who's banking on the "Friend" being available, as she ambles down to the heart of the village. A fruitless search, perhaps over a period as long as 20 minutes, reveals nothing more than Nuts, Hello and Pick me up. The newsagent shakes his head in sympathy. If only she'd considered the coupon.
06.16.06 @ 03:31 PM PDT [link]

Grace is evicted from BB7
Fierce. Cool. Wicked. Whatevah.

I have to admit I haven't been following this quite as closely as I should - mainly because of pressure of work, the World Cup etc - but it's interesting how Grace's supposed "bitching" and "two-faced" antics are deemed far more undesirable than Nikki's bouts of complete hysteria over missing bottles of beer and so on.

I wouldn't like to be locked in a house with either of them, but Grace is definitely the quieter of the two. And she and Mikey were quite sweet together. And, yes, perhaps I have been watching it a bit more than I let on.
06.16.06 @ 03:04 PM PDT [link]

Grandma's ha'penny gramophone
I was approached by an elderly lady in Tesco by the pomegranates. She told me that they used to be a ha'penny in her day. "I had to walk three miles to the shop," she said, "and I'd ask for my ha'penny gramophone..."

Were pomegranates really standard issue during the days of rationing etc?

I suggested to her that if she wandered further around the store, she might well find that other things had gone up in price too.
06.11.06 @ 02:18 AM PDT [link]

Germans give my World Cup campaign an early boost
I'm not in the habit of winning competitions - particularly ones that rely solely on luck - but I've come up trumps with the German Tourist Board. I was informed on Friday, in an email from a lady called Jeanette Schuchmann, that I had won a football signed by none other than Sir Geoff Hurst MBE. Geoff, you may recall, has been busily promoting Deutschland as a great tourist destination with a poster campaign. "I had a ball in 1966...and so will you" etc.

I'm proud to give you a glimpse of my ball on these pages - as well as selection of other stuff the Germans have kindly sent me.
06.10.06 @ 04:46 AM PDT [link]

My German prizes on display at Woodford Towers


Here you can see my official German FIFA World Cup t-shirt with a retail value of €25.00. Scroll down for a more detailed look at the other stuff.
06.10.06 @ 04:43 AM PDT [link]

German goodies close up


My prize pack includes a key ring, luggage tags, a rucksack and a football pen. Plus a strange bloke whose purpose I am still trying to fathom.
06.10.06 @ 04:36 AM PDT [link]

He shoots, he scores....

On me 'ead son... I have a big red button!

This bizarre game has provided endless minutes of amusement for my kids. This mechanical man strikes the ball with his foot when you press down on his head.. Ausgezeichnet!
06.10.06 @ 04:35 AM PDT [link]

Zey sink itz all over

Geoff Hurst signs my official German Tourist Board football
06.10.06 @ 04:31 AM PDT [link]

I've seen it all now


I found this sticker on a pack of prepared salad today. Nothing beats a bit of natural washing. I always use fruit extracts when I wash anything at home, don't you?
06.08.06 @ 06:45 AM PDT [link]

Fire alarms
I was in Nottingham over the weekend, visiting my beautiful new nephew. I am frightened to think that my own kids were ever quite that small. It's amazing how you forget. Anyway, I brought the family with me and couldn't impose on my sister, so we booked into a hotel in the centre of town.

Some idiot - probably on a stag party - saw fit to smash a fire alarm at 5.15 am and we had to grab the kids and head out into the street. Mrs W was very quick off the mark and was off down the corridor with the nippers, leaving me to fry. I was struggling into my jeans and looking for my wallet and suchlike.

After the event, Mrs W said that I'd been stupid. You're not supposed to hang around. The fire could have been real. My counter argument was that there'd be little point in getting out alive if you didn't have your mobile, ipod and wallet. This one could run and run.


06.04.06 @ 04:23 PM PDT [link]

A visit to Lidl in Nottingham
I was struck by the leaflet at the checkout of a Lidl in Nottingham at the weekend. It said that they were withdrawing the sale of diving knives because of the national knife amnesty that's currently taking place.

I'm sorry? Diving knives? This is a supermarket selling cold meat, frozen peas and coleslaw. Has it only just dawned on the management that purchasers of these knives in central Nottingham are probably unlikely to be diving aficionados?

Another strange thing happened on my visit to the store. The lady in front of me in the queue offered me some leaflet about evangelical Christianity, which I politely declined. I know the Lord moves in mysterious ways and all that, but conversions in the Lidl queue? It's just not going to happen, is it? People are just too busy buying knives. To go diving with.
06.04.06 @ 04:15 PM PDT [link]

Red is the colour

A R Bain is one lucky guy. An Amex Red card is waiting for him wherever he goes.

I liked this promotional point-of-sale piece for Amex Red. It's as simple as can be - a chargecard-sized replica of the real thing that you can pick up on shop tills. Imagine if, by coincidence, your name was A R Bain? You'd think your birthday and Christmas had come at once, wouldn't you?
05.29.06 @ 04:26 PM PDT [link]

Stressfree trousers


I bought some trousers from Gap the other day and expected to be very relaxed while wearing them. But I'm still quite up tight. I'll have to consider taking them back.
05.29.06 @ 04:11 PM PDT [link]

The hills are alive with many a true story
I sat through The Sound of Music this afternoon, as it was the first time the mini-Ws had ever seen the movie. Mrs W reminded me that it was based on a true story, which I think is something I knew at the back of my mind, but I was a bit suspicious as to exactly how true. My hunch was that there probably was a von Trapp family who escaped the Nazis, but all the rest of it was serious Schmaltzburg. Having checked the veracity of the thing on the web, however, much more of it is legit than you might imagine. Even the unlikely things such as the Captain having served in the Imperial Navy of Austria. Where exactly did the Imperial Navy sail its boats, for crying out loud, given that the country is surrounded by those well-known oceans of Germany, Italy, Slovenia etc? Apparently the real von Trapp was a submarine commander. Maria arrived from an Abbey and they really did get married (although some years before the Nazi "Anschluss" of 1938). And, yes, the family did compete in the Salzburg Music Festival and win first prize.

Which all goes to show what a cynical sod I am. It was mostly true. And I look a bit stupid. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night.


05.29.06 @ 03:59 PM PDT [link]